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Good lord I love this boy! lol I made a gif at gif soup of Johnny's diva glare.

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It's from this video. It starts at about 2:38

Feb. 11th, 2010

I put Blue October on to listen to while I slept last night, Congratulations featuring Imogen Heap. I love the song and its nicely chill, so it's a good sleep song. Anyway, as I was getting ready for bed, Noel popped up, ready to talk. Which is so strange, I mean they've all been slipping away from me, but it was nice, even if writing it made me cry. It was sad, just a little What if? that my boy typically doesn't indulge in.

I'm not sure if it's a journal entry or just a first-person narrative, so I'm posting it here instead of in his journal. I've called it Congratulations in honour of the song, and I definitely suggest listening to it while reading.

So without further ado, CongratulationsCollapse )

So what did you think? It was an unexpected surprise. I really like it. I ended up staying up til 2am writing it. I'm happy he came back for a bit, that a song spoke to him enough to want to get it down. He never regretted what happened, but he always sort of wondered where Lavender was concerned.

Now I have to go to class.
Was listening to some music today, particularly Daughter by Loudon Wainwright III, and it made me soo homesick and lonely for my dad.

Some things that have made me feel better for my own future reference

1) Tay/Trist play.
2) Orvieto Classico Ruffino (best wine EVER).
3) Talking to the 'rents on the phone.
5) JK Wedding dance.

hehe, Random stuff, but I'm feeling better. could be that whole bottle of wine.
Sitting in Ottawa airport once again, a little bummed but happy to be moving on. I'm really not looking forward to more school but I'm happy to get a bit of independence back. I feel so smothered at home. Not because of the people, really, but more because I can't get up and go when I want to. I can't drive and being stuck on a rural reserve drives me nuts. It's not even like I have friends there anymore. Or ever, to be honest. No friends on-reserve. All the people I still talk to from Ontario were my highschool friends and none of them were from the reserve.

I'm in a half-contemplative mood but I really don't know what to do with it. Probably just talk I guess. The snow outside is intense but I can't tell if it is actually snowing or just blowing off the airport. I had to stand in line for security outside and my parents were just standing there waiting for me to go in and that was just upsetting me even more. I was so relieved to get through to security. Because of the crazy dude on Christmas day with the shoe bomb, for the first time I actually had to take my shoes off through security. It was odd.

I found the bar after security. I was so frazzled, I just said to dude I was something with vodka in it. And he's like "what do you want with vodka in it?" and I said something with fruit I don't care. He offered a vodka cranberry, best $7 I ever spent. It settled me down. Vodka and Greaet Big Sea helped me chill out. I think I'll probably go look for the bar in Trudeau Airport as well. For something to do. I may have another entry in me.

I still need to type up Flee as well, but that probably won't happen until I get to Halifax and settled. I'm not looking forward to spending another semester in Residence, but I'll manage. I'll keep acting like Child Bride doesn't exist, makes me feel better that it drives her nuts.

Anyway, the plane is at the gate. They're probably going to start boarding soon.
The other direction it could have gone in.

Void.Collapse )

some gripes

1) I fucking hate flakes. This is really starting to piss me off. I'm going to quit even looking for more play. Maybe quit playing altogether. It sucks depending on these people who just fuck off and don't say a thing to me about whether or not they want to continue. I understand if it's not working, have the balls to fucking say something.

2) I love being home but I spend like eight hours alone in a fucking boring house. It's really smothering. I think this stay (only a week so far) has cemented the fact that I will not be living on this bullshit reserve. There's no way out. I'm running away. Far away. It already makes me sick to think of being back in bullshit Kingston in the summer. I want something different.

3) I'm so sick of my entitlement bitch sister. wtf. I can't wait until she moves out. I've heard it makes them bearable. Hopefully she can learn some fucking appreciation. Because nothing is worse than living with a bunch of entitlement bitches, maybe she'll see the error of her ways.

4) I'm really fucking sick of school. I need to graduate and do something else and that seems so fucking far away.

5) I really hate not being able to write. I can't write in this house. I need to be out there, with life and people and be able to see other things so I'm not stuck inside my head, staring at blue walls.

Everyone else is taking off and I'm still doing a bachelor's degree. I want to finish, I want out of the ordinary.

I want something different.

I feel stuck in this life.

I don't want to be here anymore.

Sep. 6th, 2009

Some things for the next year.

1) Don't leave everything to the last minute.
2) Get better sleep.
3) Exercise more.
4) Eat better.
5) Participate in class.

I think that's managable. Might make the year easier too. :)

Aug. 27th, 2009

I feel like I'm losing everyone to life. It's certainly not that I begrudge anyone their lives, I mean that's awesome that they've got stuff to do. It just reminds me that I'm stuck where I am, dirt poor and with nothing to do but sit at the computer with nothing to do until I somehow finish a degree that makes me want to scream. Probably doesn't help that I'm feeling so god damned restless.

I'm not a very social person and I guess that comes to the fore when I realize that two of my net friends are two of my best friends. It's good that I've made a connection to people, but maybe not so much now that I'm here, they're there. I guess I'm just weird like that.

I've been thinking that maybe it's time to get that tattoo. When it actually means something in my life. Everybody's looking for a blue sky. Not that I'm being left behind, just that--I don't even know really.

I need to get out of Ontario. I need to get out of Canada. I need to finish this stupid degree and I need to do something worthwhile with my life(I'm deadset against becoming a TDO). And where I don't need to rely on others for it. Not that that's a bad thing, but I need--I can't even articulate it really. What do I need?

That's the frustrating bit. I don't even know.

Aug. 16th, 2009

Vaisey drabble. It's kinda. I don't know, I like it. Made me stay up later than I intended and cry. And there's like zero editing and I took some liberties but whatever. lol

Crash and BurnCollapse )
I've never wanted to read a book so bad and not know if I could finish it. This is a first. A book that's actually upsetting enough to make me want to stop.

Juno: Canadians at D-Day June 6, 1944 by Ted Barris

It's so excellently written and amazingly combines history and firsthand accounts. Beautiful book but the content. I can't even imagine what living through that was like. And it's amazing to me that the men who survived, they were just normal guys who went back to normal lives and could still smile and reminice about the good times and the men they'd met in that war. It's astounding but to read these accounts. I can picture it and I can hear the roar of engines and really this paragraph set me off, it's about the Canadian paratroopers:

As the eleven Albemarles carrying C Company climbed and moved into formation for the run over the Channel, the paratrooops said and did little as they sat along the inside length of the plane. De Vries was struck by the men's silence and stillness. No one smoked. Nobody moved, except those men near the fuselage portholes. (Barris, 58)

God, what must they have been feeling as they left England bound for France. They were the first troops to touchdown on the continent to begin D-Day. They set up the drop zone for the other paratroopers. Pte. Jan de Vries and his battalion were told by British Brigadier James Hill just before setting out, "No matter how well you've been trained, no matter how good you feel about yourself, when you land, don't expect anything to be what you thought it would be. It will most likely be total chaos." (Barris, 56)

Reading these experiences and just the way these men spoke (there's direct quotations), it just makes me think they're amazing human beings. So resilient for being able to move on, to live after something like watching their buddy get shot and, as he lay wounded, hit by a mortar.

"Willard got opened up from his breastbone to his crotch," Bell said. "Earl Snider and I had this first-aid kit. We got a couple of safety pins, stuck everything back inside and pinned him up." (Barris, 4)

There's no way I could go on after that. I mean, I'm contemplating not reading this book because of this stuff. But these men actually experienced it.

They make me appreciate being a Canadian.